The morning seemed to be more quiet than usual. I stopped at Room 206 to see Martha. Halfway to my introduction I was caught by surprise. “Get out!” Martha coldly interrupted. “Get out!” This time with her jaw clinched. I just got to the door and haven’t even managed to process what is going on Martha’s isolation room. Machines are quietly singing few flat notes on this gloomy morning. I felt her distance and loneliness, her anger, and at the same time her desire to cry for help. Is she really saying, “Leave me alone, I don’t want you here!” or “Life sucks and no one really cares”? What would you do?
Martha, 36, is battling colon cancer. Before dawn, she just received the bad news from her doctor: her cancer spread to her liver. The night was occupied by tests after tests. Dealing alone with her fear and anxiety, she barely had some rest. Then morning came and so did the chaplain, a stranger who could be a perfect outlet for her bottled fear and frustrations. But how would you handle such situation? Even clinically trained healthcare chaplains would find this encounter challenging. How much more if you’re just a regular friend, a mom, a relative, or care provider. What if you happen to be the only support someone like Martha has?
As a healthcare chaplain and a Clinical Pastoral Care Educator, I have encountered many patients like Martha. I will briefly share with you three ways how you could provide healing companionship with those who are emotionally hurting.
- ALLOW THE PERSON’S PAIN TO SPEAK TO YOU. The space between you and someone who is hurt is both fragile and sacred. Fragile because it could last for just a second. Sacred because it could turn into something really special. The outcome depends on how you will allow the patient’s pain speak to you freely. Martha didn’t need a guest to entertain that morning. She was up the whole night, was physically tired, and yet, was also feeling alone in her emotional pain. The way you would listen to what’s being said is crucial. If she would say, “Get out!”, what would you feel? If you feel unwanted, dismissed, or disliked, then it’s possible that what you’re hearing is your own pain and not hers. Firing you is actually a big part of her story. Instead of acknowledging her pain, you may feel personal rejection. Therefore to keep yourself from further threat, embarrassment, or rejection it easy to find yourself abandoning her. This is how most carers miss her “here and now”. But what happens if you let her pain speak to you at that very moment? What happens if in your calm presence you allow her fear, frustrations, or her grief come to just steam out in the space? I am confident that it will touch some nerves of empathy in your body. When you decide to just listen, trust that you will hear her vulnerability, her isolation, and her thirst for connection. This is called empathy.
- RECOGNIZE THE PERSON’S PAIN. You may not know what to do with a patient after a surprised rejection. Because her pain could be projected to you, I would encourage you to name her pain with compassion. But first do it nonverbally and then try naming the pain. Do not recognize someone’s pain without connecting with the person. Let your nonverbal compassionate responses do the talking first. Allow your eyes to serve as a mirror to her own pain where she could feel that you have compassionately captured her struggles and frustrations. Light up your face with understanding until it commands your nonverbal expressions to assure her of a safe place where she could just “be” angry, fearful, or sad. Let your nod, sigh, or shoulder naturally speak words of assurance that you are there for her.
- STAY WITH THE PERSON IN PAIN. Martha was angry. It was not fair for her to see her life expire at such a young age. She still has a dream to achieve, places to visit, and loved ones to support. It might be tempting to offer support and encouraging words in times of darkness. But that’s when someone like Martha would rather feel alone because she would think she is not allowed to experience her pain as raw as it is. Usually, statements that start with “at least” would somehow devalue Martha’s experience. Statements like “At least you are cared for” or “At least you are in the hands of the best doctors in town.” Martha’s crushed world and wounded hope needs healing, not a quick fix. Do not fix the problem. Fixing Martha’s problem would make her feel a subject, different, disconnected. Instead, try to sit with her at the edge of the unknown. Hope is now enjoyed because someone knows where she was right at that moment. Martha did not feel distant and alone when she was heard.
Conclusion: You may have your own Marthas in your life right now. Like Martha, people forget how to articulate their pain. Some choose anger, some choose despair, others apathy to express their emotional pains in life. Be ready to be confronted with challenging expressions. Remember these three ways to help your loved ones find comfort in your presence- Allow their pain to speak to you, recognize their pain, and stay with the person even at the depths of their pain.
Do you face other challenges when providing care to your loved ones who are in emotional pain? Please send your questions and stories to me.